Realization

Do you realize how little it takes to run an organization, a business, a world? You carry a computer and the Internet, and the world is at your fucking fingertips. In the days where it took people, real life human beings--well, those days are limited.

The generations before us knew not of convenience, but hard work and determination. Our generation is the new age. Simplification and portibility define our generaton, cutting out some of the most important intrapersonal relationships one can form. 

In our generation, not only are we constantly going, but we tune out the world in the simplification of making ourselves the only one. It seems that iPod earbuds and cell phones have become a natural adaption to our physical selves, both of which are in our ears at all time. We've lost each other around us. We no longer hear each other, the sound of the wind or rain hitting the dry ground, birds chirping to remind us of the beauty cacooning us.

We have failed ourselves.

Hit me

This composition was wrote on my iPod, after discussing how trivial life is with my Spanish professor and walking to lunch with Erik. I hope you find this an enlightening composition. -A

"Hit me with your Lexus, you son of a bitch. You scream and shout at me with a steering wheel in one hand, a Blackberry in another. Do you not understand how temporary life truly is? To love these things that you hold so highly in importance gives you nothing. 

Do you dream to love something else with a palpitating heart besides your own, or would that hurt too much? The sick realization that your deep fear of loneliness is really true? 

So hit me with your Lexus. I will die knowing the things you will never."

October 13, 2009

October 13, 2009

One of the strangest days of my life, I must say.

You revisit one of the environments that has thrown you out, dejected you from being yourself, and you see all these faces, both with a combination of fear of you as a person while simultaneously confronted with death head on that has struck you personally.

Does anyone really care?

You go through the motions of death being something that makes you angry, upset, sad, makes you laugh, resignation, etc. It just is a mixture of emotions everyone around me is experiencing.

And yet I don't move. I am emotionally sound, yet silent.

I played violin today, maybe not up to the best standards, but I tried my best. People commented that is was wonderful, although the hearing aids were enough for me to realize that for some, just hearing noise is a blessing.

I found myself reflecting on was constants I have in life, both now and for the long term. A list comes to mind:

*Family, Gretchen, Erik, and so many friends disguised as my guiding forces

*Death

And then I sat there and meditated on that. And here is what I found:

Reflecting on my Grandmother's life, I never want to see me or anyone I love placed in a nursing home where the life and the meaning in it is sucked away from you. I don't want my vacation away from "home" to be down the hall in front of a puzzle or in front of a TV while other people groan and make noise from pain they cannot tend to or control, while the individual sits next to you in his or her own piss because no one changed them.

I refuse to accept that fate for anyone. I would rather die.

I reflected on mistakes my Grandmother made, and yet the successes she had that others now recognize. First, that saying whatever you wish to say isn't always the wisest decision, that tact always will help and make you a better individual. Second, hold on to what is important. For Grandma, it was God and a good book. Family was important, but she only realized that in the end of her life. Third, take a walk. My grandmother walked everywhere; cars were the enemy. So take a walk, take in the air, and for God sakes, breathe. Fourth, never be afraid to say "I love you." My grandmother didn't say it enough. So always say I love you to the people you love.

What throws me still is being in the church that I was brought up in and thrown out, one church that when ignorant of who its members are is accepting and accommodating, and yet when exposed is nothing more than something that needs fixing, correcting. If we were all about loving people for people, and loving whatever "God" is for what "God" is, we would be better people. We would have realized that all of us are little peons on this great planet, with no more purpose than the specs of sand underneath us.

So love and loathing came together today. Death and the life that continues to go on came together. They lower a body into the ground today just as another job to do in the day; the people that lower my grandmother's body into her grave did not know her, nor do they care. It is another job, another task they have been assigned. My mother lays in bed tonight, looking at the ceiling and doubting she did everything to be the daughter she aspired to be to her mother, while others are coping in different ways. I sit here writing the words on this screen, fueled only by the reserve energy I have to give after the ordeal that was today.

People are so funny. Life is funny. Death is funny. It is these indescribable things that bring us happiness, sadness, joy, hope, fear, every single emotion.

The following poem was read today, written by Mary Elizabeth Frye:

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

And so Frye's words should conclude any weeping, any sorrow that anyone is experiencing.

Canker Sores

They are the most unattractive, repulsive, and most frustrating bodily problems that can arise.

They are called canker sores.

According to WebMD.com, "Canker sores are small shallow ulcers that appear in the mouth and often make eating and talking uncomfortable. There are two types of canker sores: simple canker sores, and complex canker sores."

They plague people between the ages of 10-20, and can be caused from many things, stress being one of the more suspected causes.

The one that has erupted on my lower lip on the right side has been with me for about five days now. I'm starting to get mildly pissed, and subsequently have started punishing my body for disobeying the command to get better. How do I do this? I bite my lip open.

So this morning, I woke up, with my lip swelled to about three times its normal size. All I could do was drool and yell, "Moooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm" in the most pathetic voice I could muster.

"What the hell happened to you?! My God!"
(in lispy voice) "Helpp meeeeeee."
"My God, your lip is HUGE!"
"Help me!"
"Oh. Right."

So ointment after cream after mouthwash came out. Salt water, Paroxyl, Hurricane jelly, Colgate Orabase. You name it, it was applied to my lip.

As I sit here, the pain surges through my lip and my mouth. I can eat normally, I can't even drink normally. This has altered my life.

I hate canker sores.

Relationships: Part I of V

On the note of relationships, I have wanted to try and break down the different phases that one couple goes through just to get to a point where they feel comfortable. I call it the Phase V Process. Although not guaranteed to always follow in this sequence, I find it to be pretty damn enlightening to any given situation.

Phase I: Search and Seek

The first obvious step of any relationship is to search out and seek the person that you would like to pursue. This can be in a numerous amount of venues, at different times, in different states of mind. All of these have to be in line with what you truly want, or you will end up with either another night of bad memories, a disease you may not want, or a baby that you will have to take care of. In any case, the Search and Seek is crucial to you finding the person you want to be with.

In many cases, people find that having alcohol in their system's makes this process seemingly easier. This is very dependent on the situation, but 7 times out of 10 it will be a better idea to have no alcohol in your system. Although a drunken mind speaks sober thoughts, your thoughts may come out as unattractive ever for a potential person. Likewise, if alcohol is affecting the awesomeness that the person you would like to pursue truly is, they will be incredibly unattractive. Drunks will find drunks, this is proven.

In the Search and Seek phase, you must be conscious of what you want and desire. HAVE GUIDELINES, not necessarily expectations.

In the Search and Seek phase, you may be flippant and selective. This is the point: to get out there, to see what is available, and to analyze others while simultaneously analyzing yourself. It is the best and worst stage all in one. Some say its a rush, others complain that it is a pain in the ass.

You may feel, at some points, that there are too many options available. If this is the case, you need to make an evaluative decision on which seems to be the best match up for you. If you try to play multiple people, chances are you are going to not only get exhausted, but also burned. It is not recommended if you are serious about going through with the other phases effortlessly.

Different venues include bars, cafes, mutual outings with friends, dance clubs, sporting events, concerts, and the list can go on. The venue sets the genre of people you are after. Keep that in mind.

All in all, the Search and Seek is the most crucial step, and will be the building block for everything that is to come with you and your potential candidate.

Do you know who I am?

I believe confidence is a great thing. I eat it up. I love being confident, and I love interacting with confident people.

But we all know the feeling when two confident people clash. It sucks. Like acid on an open flesh wound, it's going to be disastrous for everyone involved.

But I love confidence. To be able to walk into a room and not care about anyone or anything is a splendid thing. To feign fear and to approach everyone with posture and poise it a great thing. To appear to know everything while you may no nothing is a well-developed skill. And to walk away and appear as though you didn't have a second thought about anything is something that will keep people intrigued.

Allusive individuals are also good. You never know the full story. That's the mystery, it's the fun of it. It's the inkling feeling you'll never get it, but you really want to. To not understand why something is happening and be happy with it, or barely understand what is happening for that matter.

Do you know who I am? I'm confidence knocking.

Getting Old

One day, I am going to get old. This is the fact of life. You have your youth, you have your prime, you have old age.

One day, I fear I won't be able to hear. Or see. Or even control my bladder or colon.

I fear the day when I will shit my pants and have to ask someone to help me.

Getting old is sure going to stink. Because you go through life, thinking you are so high and mighty, when in fact you are nothing special. You are going to face the same fate that everyone else before you has--that you will get old, you will get helpless, and everything that you have worked hard for will be worth nothing.

People will fight over you, where they should put you and your aging body. People will fight over what casket or urn you should be placed in. And people will fight over your last possessions and money.

But getting old is something that youth want so badly. They want the ability to buy alcohol, to be done with the drama of school and education, to have a real job and a real car, to have a home and a family, and to find the extraordinary love everyone deserves.

Getting old--what a twisted thing.