Below rests a journal entry entailing a journey I still am embarking on. A journey of acceptance of myself and of unchangeable circumstances.
For every person out there who has given your all and lost it, I think you'll be able to relate. But the penultimate feeling that should resound from this is this: underneath all of this hurt and pain, where does it stem? What is the root of pain in this situation.
I think you'll see what I found my answer to be.
*******
Oh, you make me so upset.
You have kicked me around in one of the worst ways possible, and I just can't seem to forgive myself or you. I can't. I feel like my life is on pause when it needs to be in fast-forward mode just to catch up.
I feel more cautious because of you. I listen to songs that say "You're all I need," but I obviously don't' "need" you. But the addiction of the relationship isn't gone. It won't be.
You were my first love. Forever and always.
All that kissy shit.
Accusatory? Do I accuse you, or should I accuse myself? The competition for the amount of hurt I feel is not the case, but rather just an integral part of me keeping things "black and white" for my understand. Are you hurting or not? Do I miss him or not? Yes or no. Black or white.
"Yeah. The world sucks. But lumping guys into this category will get you nowhere."
Thanks for that slap across the face, friend. I know that. I get it. Lumping "guys" into a category close to the status of "scum of the earth" is going to make me hurt, and it will jeopardize everything I have with anyone else or would like to.
Why do my eyes still water when they should be dry for the next ten years? Why do I look at mementos of you when all I want to do is delete and tear them up?
Why do I seem to be stuck in this rut? It's just full of loneliness, not only because you stepped away, but because the more I dwell on this destruction, the more it pushes others away from me.
What is my worst fear? That I don't trust everyone else, or that I don't trust myself? That taking a chance will put me through this again, or that no one will compare?
I don't trust myself anymore.
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You are right to worry that "no one will compare" because we are each unique. To compare is to deny the uniqueness. The experiences will compare but will they really? You will be in a different place physically and emotionally and with a different individual. You will have to learn to trust, to share, to reveal or you will remain compartmentalized and closed off to the good things ahead of you. Trust yourself to see the good in yourself and others. Remember ily.
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